No te amo como si fueras rosa

I find great wisdom in a lot of the poetry of Pablo Neruda. His definition of what it is to love is on point with what I believe about being a lover.

I love you like the plant that does not bloom but carries

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose

from the earth lives dimly in my body

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you this way because I don't know any other way to love,

except in this way in which I am not nor are you

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,

so close that your eyes close with my dreams

Love is such a simple thing. I think that I was very good at being in love, it was always just simple to love me. Unfortunately people tend to make love complicated, no matter how much they want it. Love comes without pride or problems that you create- it just flows organically. It is funny being on the other side of a relationship, watching my friends who are in them now fall into the same traps that we did. It seems like such a good idea at first to let go and fall in love, but once you become too entangled there is just no room for two people in the relationship anymore and you trip each other up so easily. Falling out of love is a tricky thing as well, you go from saying "we" to "I" which in itself is a difficult transition to make. As Pablo says "love is so short and forgetting is so long."

Sometimes it just becomes so difficult to stand my ground and remember that I did the right thing, falling back would be so easy but it is just impossible for me at this point. I don't want to be stuck in again knowing that this love is second rate and that I deserve better and having the "grass is greener" syndrome, kicking myself for not being stronger to get through it.

Everything Changes

This is the second time I have completely uprooted my life. I am no longer the Chef's Lover, I left the chef. Life is such an amazing thing, when one major change catalyzes a series of events that completely sweep you off your feet, that's the beauty of being a strong person-you don't need anyone to sweep you off your feet, when you do it for yourself its so much more fun. Let's be clear about what I mean when I say I left- I literally hopped in a cab, grabbed a bag of shit and never looked back. Looking back I can say that I have never felt more alive or prouder of myself. I made the decision that everything comfortable and secure was not good enough for me and that I was ready to move on and do it for myself. I honestly never thought I would have the strength, but there is this amazing woman inside of me who literally kicked my ass out the door. Part of me is sad that I was aware of my unhappiness for a long time before I did something about it, but I learned so much in the process that I have no regrets. It was incredibly tough to leave something that I thought would be a part of the rest of my life; we had invested in our future, everything we bought for the house was a long term investment that we planned to bring to our house after we got married. There was a period in our relationship where I wanted to get married, but by the end a friend asked me if I would marry him and I was surprised by the ease with which "absolutely not" left my lips. The funny thing is that when I was so sure that I could not picture my life with him, he was shopping for an engagement ring- guess that speaks volumes about how off we were. Sometimes in life you are forced to either choose yourself or another person and I am so glad that I stayed true to myself. Moving forward has been amazing in both bad and good ways, at first, naturally it was almost crippling how difficult it was to move forward, literally everything I had planned for my future had changed dramatically- after that stage though EVERYTHING started to go right. My life started to take off and I went with it. I moved in with my very best friend, and she helped so much. It would have been impossible to stay strong without my amazing friends and they picked my ass up and held me high. I thought that I would be devoid of love but I felt more love then I had for such a long time. I found a great apartment to move forward in and moved myself in, I turned 24 and immediately got a MAJOR job upgrade and got offered my dream job and I realized how much of a superfox that I am. Everything changed, but I have the integrity to know that every decision I make is mine and that they have so far been pretty damn good! Life is open to me again and one by one, I am breaking down all the doors I had accepted would be closed to me. I feel happy and strong, free and fearless.